Friday, December 20, 2013


I haven't had time to update on our advent calendar. The holiday's are so busy! Here are some of the things on our advent calendar: candy cane lane lights, cookies, waffles, and 10 things I love about you!

10 Things I love about you:
Richard said:
1. Your beautiful smile.

2. You're extremely caring

3. You're intelligent

4. You're weird like me

5. You're creative

6. Your cute dimples

7. Your wittiness

8. You're loving

9. Because you push me forward

10. Because you are going to be an amazing mother

Yessenia said:

1. Your jokes

2. Your heart

3. The scar on the bottom of your lip

4. Your glasses

5. Your shyness

6. Your team effort

7. Your dedication

8. Because I can have "smart" conversations with you.

9. Your perfect eyebrows

10. The way you look in hats

It's nice to write nice things about each other. I am very fortunate to have a man like the one I do. I think #10 on his list is my absolute favorite....ovary explosion.

Saturday, December 14, 2013


Richard and I are new to Breaking Bad. I know, we have been living under a rock. Our advent said, "Breaking Bad and Hot Coco" we did not argue. Extra marshmallows in my coco please.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Advent Calendar - December 11

Yesterday our advent calendar told us to get a "new read". I wonder who thought of this? (me). We went to Book Off it's a used book store at the mall. It is like heaven to me. Richard immediately went to the golf section. I went to the pregnancy/child birth section. It was fun browsing through all the books and enjoying some time together outside of the house. I was sick all day with a really bad sore throat so this short outing was great!

Day 11

Day 11

Richard wants to do a cleanse. So he read a little on that and lost interest after 2 minutes.

Day 11

Then he went to the "good stuff". Also, whenever I want to take candid shots of Richard he does stuff like this:

Day 11

Richard in front of the tree at the mall. He wanted me to take a picture with santa.  

Day 11

The mall is so lonely at 8PM. I like it.

Day 11

Richard cheated and got a golf video game as well as a golf book. I got 3 books, For Women Only, The Big Book of Birth and Before Your Pregnancy. Well, now you know what is on my mind for 2014. :)

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Advent Calendar - December 10

 I thought it would be fun to make our own advent calendar. Growing up we had a tiny santa and we would change the number everyday. I would get so excited because that meant we were closer to Christmas. When I have kids one day I want to make an advent calendar with them too! It will be similar to ours. I made ours out of left over kraft paper and index cards. I had all the materials on hand so this cost me $0! Each day we open up the tiny package and it instructs us to do something together. Last night was Day 10 and it read, "Cool Haus Date". Sadly, we arrived at Cool Haus and it was closed (they had a note on the door that said they closed early for their holiday party). So we ventured out to Westwood and tried Diddy Reese! I was very excited because it was my first time. It however, did not win me over. Cool Haus still has the best ice cream sandwich in my book.

Friday, December 6, 2013

Thanksgiving DIY Decor


This year I was incharge of decor and table for our thanksgiving dinner.I loved being assigned this duty because I love to decorate. Dollar tree was my very best friend during the making of this decor. The white table cloth is a very long white backdrop I use for my photography business. The kraft paper was bought at Dollar Tree. I had a bunch of mason jars sitting under my sink so Richard spray painted those with gold spray paint. The flowers on the table are fakies from dollar tree. The little red ball plant is from a tree near my sisters house. The dinner plates are from my home, (world market). The cloth napkins are from Ikea. The plastic fruit was purchased at dollar tree and also spray painted by Richard. The paper lanterns were purchased from Daiso and were spray painted by Richard. Everything else you see was taken from my home!

  1. Table Cloth $FREE
  2. Kraft Paper (2 rolls) $2
3. Dinner Plates $FREE
4. Silverware $2
5. Cloth Napkins $12.64 (.79 each)
6. Spray Paint $5
  7. Fake Flowers $10
8. Flower pots $2
9. Paper Lanterns $7.50
10. Candles $4
11. Twinkly lights $13 (reused for our Christmas tree)
12. Rosemary for place cards $4

Total cost = $62.14
** tables and chairs were provided by my sister and so was the tent!

I will most likely use these items over and over, so this was really an investment! except the kraft paper since everyone drew on it (purposely). I really love how this turned out....and I can't wait to do this for my wedding!


Joshua Tree


I have been working my tail off. Literally. October thru December is an extremely busy time in a photographer's life. It is especially busy when you work a fulltime job and work on the weekends as a photographer. I am thankful to have "too much" work, really I am! But sometimes I do get tired. A few weeks ago I had 3 photo sessions in one weekend. I didn't want to spoil Richard's weekend by working so I squeezed in a trip to Joshua Tree. I had a session at 9AM and we were on the road by 11AM. Joshua Tree was incredible. The scenery seemed really took my breath away. One thing I really loved about Joshua Tree is the reception. There was no reception. I loved every single minute of that. It allowed me to take in nature without any distractions. I have 4 more sessions to finish up 2013. I am so thankful for all my clients this year, each and every one of them has given me the opportunity to bring my dreams to life! I  just have to remember to sit back and unplug myself from my iPhone once and a while. Here are a few shots of our time in Joshua Tree.


Tuesday, November 19, 2013


Life lately

Richard and I found out that laundry could take only 1.5 hours as oppose to 6 hours. We love laundromats now. Our hamper was the leaning tower of dirty clothes yesterday so we decided to go to the laundromat. We made it a date, a hot one may I add. We picked up Subway (eat fresh!) and brought our laptop to watch a movie. We even played some arcade games and then folded clothes together. If that is not the most romantic date ever, I don't know what is.

Life lately

My bridesmaid and very awesome friend Anneabel, gifted us these letters. I think they look fabulous! It only took Richard 2 months to get them spray painted and hung. :)

Life lately

I swear, he loves me.

Life lately

We had our engagement photos taken this past weekend and I got my make up done at MAC by my friend Ingrid.
 I felt really pretty.

Life lately

Anneabel also gave us this M. future last name.

Life lately

On Friday I was in a car accident. I was rear ended by someone texting. (Don't text and drive!)
We went to urgent care to get X-RAY's done and the technitian and doctor played a joke on Richard. They
Told him they could not do the XRAYs becuase I was pregnant. It was fun to hear Richard in panic say, "no she's not!"

Life lately

I made these bookmarks to send out with my save the dates. Want one?

Life lately

And speaking of save the dates we finally got our Guest List done, it was so hard to pick ONLY 100 people.

Friday, November 15, 2013


I will say this first because I know that with the title and the image above you might get the impression that I am pregnant. I am NOT. Okay, now......moving on....
I have been wanting a baby since I was 3. Okay maybe I am exaggerating a bit, but it has been years....and years.....and years.  Would you believe me if I told you I write to my future babies? yup, I write letters. Sometimes when I make big and even little mistakes, I will write to my future kids about it. It is my way of  not forgetting certain mistakes and not being able to remember later when they are here....and existing.
I can't find the true meaning behind me + mothering, perhaps when I actually mother, I will. When I used to nanny, my maternal instincts kicked in right away. Spending time with different babies allowed me to witness different temperaments, different personalities, and a whole LOT of cuteness. I got my doze of baby everyday. Now that I am not around babies anymore, I miss them terribly! Their pudgy little legs, their squishy hands, their baby talk, ah! so adorable.
So you're probably thinking..."why doesn't she just have one?".
Well there are plenty of reasons why I can't just now. First of all, I want Richard and I to be married, legally, not just the paper we wrote out together in his car. It is a personal preference, I want us to be Mr & Mrs Montes! Plus, I don't think I would look too good pregnant at my wedding.................. again, personal preference.
 Richard and I have been together for a while (3.5 years as couple, and 2.5 friends) and even though things are going great since we moved in, I want to enjoy him and our tiny apartment, alone. Because my routine of getting home and cooking would turn into pick-up baby from childcare, feed baby, cook dinner while entertaining baby, and so on. I also love to sleep in on the weekends, we both do. So as soon as baby is here....there goes our love for sleeping!
People, mostly parents, always tell me to wait to have kids. They say, "once you have kids, you can't do much". Well, Richard and I are pretty mellow. We have never been to a bar (unless you count sitting at Island's bar section a "bar", we only sit there to get seated immediately....we love, we don't do clubs (we already have each other, no need to mate hunt), and we rarely do things where we can't have kids around (like the movies) **people who take babies to the movies, especially when it's a scary movie, really bug me. ( personal preference)
I feel like there is never a right time to have a baby. I don't think I will magically hear a voice telling me "it's time!". I also know that I don't have a clue about how hard it will be. I've cared for babies for long periods of time but I know that I will never know how hard it is until I have one for my own.
Richard and I have been talking about babies. He watched "The Business of Being Born" last year with me. This week I showed him a few videos of other water births. I love water/home births, they are so calm and peaceful....and beautiful! I hope to become a mother sometime after we get married, 307 days to be exact, but who's counting? :) In the mean time I have to prepare my uterus. Oh you know like eating a ton of vegetables, weaning off the coffee, and exercising more. I have to prepare our relationship because I know things will change with a baby in the picture. Finances, oh yeah! babies aren't free, we finally have stable jobs (using our handy dandy degrees) so now it's all about managing that part of our lives.
Even though we will never be ready. The things above might help us by preparing, but even if they don't, the love we have for each other is so strong that we will have to remember that everything else around us will fall into place. In the mean time, I am going to enjoy Richard all to myself (selfishly).
xoxo Yessenia
**Images are taken from pinterest! they are NOT mine.
Ps. I can't wait to decorate a baby space. (probably will be a corner in my room, but still!)


Wednesday, November 13, 2013

little things:

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I decided to write a post on things I am thankful for. This post could easily be 300 pages long but I will condense it, just for you! Lately, I've been thinking a lot...did I ever mention I am constantly thinking about something? ALL THE TIME. I am so good at this that I am even thinking of something else when someone is talking to me but I am still able to understand what they are's crazy, but I am thankful for the multitasking my brain can do! pretty impressive if I do say so myself.
Okay back to my original post idea, I want to write that I am thankful for food, a home, a! I am truly grateful for those things. But I want to also be thankful for all the little things too! So, I will concentrate on the little things that usually get unnoticed.
  1. my iphone. <---- that is pretty self explanatory. I mean, what would I even be without it? what did people do a hundred years ago? even though I do try and take a break from it here and there, I do love it and I am OH SO thankful for its capabilities.
  2. my car. <---- I'll be the first to admit that I don't have the best car. My mustang is 11 years old. It's not vintage....yet, so maybe when it does become vintage it will actually be cool to drive. I like my car, it's red and fast. I am grateful for transportation because I know that some people have to take public transportation to get places.
  3. my camera. <---- this should have been on top of the list (this list is not in chronological order). I am thankful for my camera because it allows me to capture moments. Moments that I will never get back.
  4. the things richard does. <--- I am OH SO VERY thankful for the things Richard does. Especially the way he holds my hand lightly when he's driving. (pictured above). I think it is so cute and it makes me feel special. I also like a billion other things he does but that would take me a century to write. **I am also thankful for the scar on his bottom lip. It is oh so hot.....okay moving on.....
  5. books. <---- I am thankful for books because they make us smarter. They also smell very good. If you display them in your home, you look smart too. (I do this). Even though I do naturally read a lot because I again, love books.
  6. water. <--- I am thankful for running water. When I go to Mexico (once a year) I realize how fortunate we are to have running water.
  7. funny texts. <---seriously though, these type of texts completely make my day.
  8. DVR. <--- I was always anti-cable but then I got direct tv with recording capabilities and I don't think my life could ever be the same.
  9. skinny cow ice cream sandwiches. <--- I mean, 150 calories? it is pure greatness.
  10. my mailbox <--- my mailbox makes me happy. I check it every single day, even Sunday's when the mailman does not come. I just love going down stairs and walking up to the box with my key in hand. It is just an added bonus when I get cards that are not utility bills. Do you love mail? send me card. :)
What little things are you thankful for?

Monday, November 11, 2013

the apprentice:


When I tell people I am getting married they automatically ask, "have you picked a date?" and their second question always is, "who is going to photograph your wedding?". I had two amazing photographers in mind. I actually had spoke to one before even getting engaged! (I am a planner I can't help it). But throughout the year I had been thinking (to myself mostly) It would be cool to find someone who I can teach my style of photography and then have them shoot my wedding. Of course I knew no one would ever agree to a proposition as such.

Let me tell you, being a photographer and finding someone to shoot pictures of you is HARD. It is incredibly difficult for me to be on the other side of the lens.

I finally voiced my idea out loud to Richard one day. His response: "that's a great idea! do it. Find someone!". Oh thanks for the help sweet fiance. So I thought of Amanda.

See, Amanda has been to a million weddings this year alone. Every time she would post a picture on Instagram I would say to myself, "she should really start a photography business!". I never voiced my opinions to her though. Until that one day I sent her an email stating my proposal.

I jumped for joy when she agreed.

Amanda is so eager to learn. She already has an amazing eye. I truly believe that photography cannot be taught. Like they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, it is true. I cannot teach Amanda to see what I see, I can only teach her how to capture what she sees in her mind.

So far, it is going very well and I am already happy with the photos she is producing. I let her borrow my Nikon D40 and she is shooting everything in sight! We went on a shooting date last month and I got to show her just simple mechanics of lighting and aperture.

This weekend, I will be shooting her holiday photos and showing her how to work with glowy light (that light you get before the sun sets). She will be shooting our engagement photos that day too!

Needless to say, I am THRILLED about this experience. I can't wait to see all the amazing images she is going to shoot and all the memories we will make a long the way.

 Here are a few photos from our first day shooting together:

practicing angles

and different perspectives

my student is a beauty! isn't she?

I probably should have brushed my hair, but here is a photo shot by Amanda.

A note from Amanda:

I met Yessenia last year (2012) in our last class of undergrad at CSULB and I immediately liked her as a person. We didn’t get to talk too much but the few times we did talk I could tell she was down-to-earth; someone who was willing to be “real,” with me (and the whole class for that matter), and I liked that.

We kept in touch through Instagram and Facebook but it wasn’t until this summer (2013) that we really reconnected and she offered what has come to be one of the greatest opportunities ever extended to me. 

It was a Sunday morning when I got her email (Subject line: “Weird Question”), basically asking me if she could trade me a year of personal photography training in exchange for me shooting her wedding a year later (with the skills I would be acquiring). My jaw fell on the ground along with my stomach; this was the most ludicrous idea I had ever heard—I had never even held a DSLR camera in my life! My first reaction was “Ha! This must be a joke! Why on earth would she, a photographer herself, ever consider me capable of shooting her WEDDING?” But the more I thought about it the more I began to fantasize about the [many] doors this could open for me. I had been secretly wanting to do this for quite some time, and by that I mean I had been studying photography and videography (via Pinterest, lol) in hopes that one day I might be able to bribe someone to let me capture their special day! Ha!

Well, long story short—I accepted Yessenia’s offer and I am now currently in the midst of learning everything I possibly can; absorbing every bit of wisdom and skill that she has to offer, and taking pictures of anything and everything and trying to find ways to make them better. I am as nervous as can be and I confess to already having a few nightmares about missing all the good wedding-day shots, but from what I’ve experienced so far I know that Yessenia is [and will be] a great teacher—always patient and encouraging, and willing to give extremely constructive feedback in a gentle way. 

It’s hard to let your guard down and to become a “teachable” student, leaving your flaws exposed and raw, but I’m trying my best. In my mother-in-law’s own words, “she wouldn’t have offered you this opportunity if she wasn’t confident in her ability to train you and have you prepared in time.” And I know she’s right. Fears aside, I’m so excited for this invaluable experience, for all there is to be learned throughout the process, and for the friendship that I’m gaining along the way!

Saturday, November 9, 2013

a love story : part 4 - lovers & friends

Finally I said, What do you even think of me Richard?

He was quiet for a long time and then looked at me with tears coming down his face...

You want to know what I think of you? Whenever I look at you I say to myself, 

"I'm going to marry that girl one day"

Tears began to fall down my face when I said, 

"pinch me". 

We hugged. 

I honestly thought I was dreaming. I had day-dreamed about this day, I had hallucinated about this day, and here it was becoming reality. I could not believe what was happening. It felt unreal and it was total bliss. We stayed up talking about how our status was going to change and how that would change our relationship. We made a promise to ourselves. We would always be friends before anything else. 

Loving Richard has always been easy. He is incredibly easy to love because he is a total sweetheart.  But transitioning from strictly friends to a couple had it's difficulties. We had both been out of relationships for years! We had to learn the ropes and all the boundaries that come with being in a relationship. Even though the relationship took us some time to learn, being friends has always come to us naturally. 

So we made it official on July 2, 2010. I would tell you the time it happened too but that is going a little overboard..................okay, okay, it was 11:42 PM. Anyways, after concentrating on school so much and getting straight A's, I decided to apply again. That fall I got back in. Richard applied in the fall and got accepted in the spring. 

We attended CSULB together. I have to admit that attending school with Richard was competitive. We once took a class together and we would make bets to see who could get the higher grade on exams. We always ended up getting the same score though. He motivated me everyday and I might have wrote a paper or two for him. I am not a fan of PDA but Richard totally is. One day when I was walking into the class we were taking together, he got up to kiss me. I kissed him quickly and turned red as....gosh I don't even know, think of something really red and that's how my face was. 

After two years at CSULB I graduated with honors. A semester after that so did Richard. Receiving our degree was a huge accomplishment for us. It reminded me of when I first went to Richard for help that one spring in March of 2008. Richard and I are made for each other. I know we are. I know because I can't find any other reasoning for all of this. Of course I doubted it sometimes. Maybe that ONE time that he broke up with me for an entire 3 days. Yup, a whole 3 days.  (more on that on another post). 

We have worked hard at this relationship and I would not trade this for anything in the world. It has not always been easy, but being his friend has always been. I feel that because we were friends for so long, it has allowed us to dodge every bullet. I am thankful, so thankful for his friendship.

A note to Richard:


I know you read my blog every night. I hope that reading our story from my perspective has taken you back to each moment we shared. There is not a day that goes by that I don't thank God for making you for me. Just like you told me when you proposed; on the day I was born, I was made for you. There have been many obstacles that could have prevented us from ending up together but here we are beating every odd. You have always been my very best friend. From the time I first messaged you crying because I was getting kicked out of school, to the day you told me you wanted to marry me. You make me the luckiest girl in the world. Thank you for loving me and dealing with my weird ways. There is no one else that understands me the way you do. You know how I tell you often, "isn't this crazy? were engaged and moved in together?" it feels like I've known you my entire life. Writing this story has allowed me to see how God designed our story. He designed it so perfectly and on His terms.  I wouldn't change a thing because I know every day that we are together it is His will. I love you. 

I hope you enjoyed reading our story. This is only the beginning to what is coming! I can't wait for our wedding next year, but I really cannot wait to have babies. A lot of them! I can't wait to send our kids to their first day of school and for us to send them off to college so we can go crazy and take week long vacations. I can't wait to for the rest of our lives together! 

I hope that I have encouraged or inspired you to write your story. It is truly an amazing feeling to go back into those moments and replay them in your head. I wanted to share our story because of my frequent memory loss but because I also want everyone to see that no relationship is perfect. The struggle and complications is all what makes your story that much better. You might be going through something in your relationship right now and I want you to know that everything falls into place. I truly believe that some higher power is designing your story too! Sometimes when we let things be....they fall exactly where they need to fall, I am glad I fell here. 

There is a saying that people say, "I get to marry my best friend". Well, I think that saying fits me perfectly. I really do get to marry my best friend.

**I thought it would be fun to have a FAQ for Richard! I asked him to write our story from his perspective but he is not a fan of writing. So I came up with the idea of questions! If you have a question that you would like to ask Richard send me an email, text, message through FB or Instagram, you can also comment below (even though I know that takes a while). I will ask him the questions and have him answer them in a post! 

THANK YOU so much for reading my series. This has been incredibly fun. 

Friday, November 8, 2013

a love story : part 3 - confessions

"sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck."
Dalai Lama
sometime before my brace face time
I've been meaning to tell you this. Believe me it's hard to even type this out and I have a huge knot in my stomach because I am scared of what will happen between us but I want you to know something. I like you.

I like you too!
No, I mean I like you more than just a friend.

....................................I waited for his response.
I waited for what felt like a century. I had the biggest knot in my stomach. I began to doubt myself, damn it Jess, here you go effin things up then I began to speak to myself goodness, next time just keep your mouth shut! I was getting a crazy. He finally replied:
Those feelings are mutual but it would just ruin our friendship if we took it further. I like how we are right now.
To say I was sad is an understatement. I was devastated. I felt rejected. why didn't he want to try it out? why? why didn't he just say he liked me back and we could live happily ever after? crap. I had to defend myself so I wouldn't look so desperate. So I replied with:
Yeah, you're right. I guess I just wanted you to know.
We didn't speak about the subject again. I thought it would be weird to see him but it wasn't. We just carried on from where we left off. Throughout 2009 Richard and I were always together. I want to say that I was okay with the thought of us "just" being friends, but I wasn't.
I talked to other guys but nothing ever felt the way I felt with Richard. Actually, sometimes I would meet guys and tell Richard about them. Richard would listen and then give me his opinion. He always picked something negative to say. well he's not in school so I don't know how that work out, he looks like a creep!, I don't know Jess you should probably stay away from that guy. I wondered if I was the problem and not all these guys I was meeting. I wasn't, Richard was just selfish and wanted me for himself.
At times it hurt me deeply to know that someday Richard might find a girlfriend and I would stay in the position I was in. I was in the friend zone and I wanted out! I knew I couldn't confront him again so I just went on with the friendship title. Sometime that summer I went back to church. I was heavily involved and took it extremely seriously. I read my Bible, I prayed and I met new people. One day, after a lot of thinking I wrote to God: (I still have this note in my diary!)
Dear God,
I know that you love everyone equally. I know that you've been watching me and following me wherever I go. You know my heart and know how much I love Richard. I want to ask a favor. If you don't want Richard for me God, would you please take him away? Could you please do everything in your power to remove him from my life? Please. I trust you and know that you will make the right decision for me. Until then, I am going to cut ties with him.
I cried and cried. I didn't want to lose my best friend but I also did not want to dig the hole deeper. I never told Richard about my letter. I just simply stopped talking to him. He would text me asking me if I was okay but I wouldn't reply. I ignored him day after day until finally he stopped texting me.
I saw him at school a few weeks after we stopped talking. He was walking out of the student store with a few classmates. I was walking in alone with my headphones on. As soon as I saw him and we met eyes my heart sunk. He smiled at me but I did not smile back. I looked away and kept walking into the store. I came to terms with the idea that he was just not for me anymore. I had to move on, but it was so incredibly hard.
I missed him every day. I missed him even more when something interesting was going on in my life and I couldn't share it with him. I missed his laugh, his calmness, the way he pokes his glasses up when they begin to fall, and I missed his hugs.
We did not talk for about two months. One night while at church on a Thursday evening, the pastor spoke about God's will. The message really spoke to me because he said, "when you stop trying to make God's will NOT happen, you will go through some very hard times, but when you let His will happen, things will just flow". It spoke to me and I thought to myself : Is God trying to tell me that I feel so sad and miserable because Richard is supposed to be in my life? I did not know. What I did know was that I had a very heavy feeling in my heart. After church I got in my car and cried the whole way home.
I began to pray and ask God why. I asked him a million times. Without even thinking I dialed Richard's number.
Hey...I know it's been a while but can we meet up?
yes of course!
We met at Starbucks. He arrived before me and was standing outside of his car. Without saying a word to each other, we walked towards each other and hugged. I cried and then said:
I've missed you so much. The past two months have been so boring without you.
I wasn't even sure if those were the right words to say but it was came out without me having to think. He asked:
Did you call me because I left a Kit Kat on your car this morning?
I had no idea what he was talking about. He explained to me that he left a Kit Kat on top my car that morning with a note that said "Have a good day". Someone must have taken it from my car because I never got the note nor the Kit Kat. ( I am telling you, he knows the way to my & chocolate = love). Was this a coincidence? maybe. But I would rather think that this was all God's plan. I guess it wasn't God's plan for someone to steal my Kit Kat (damn you thieves!) but I feel that God knew that night was the night I was supposed to reconnect with Richard again. After the missed opportunity with the Kit Kat he placed a heavy feeling in my heart to call Richard.
So we became friends again and lived happily ever after.
in 2009 when we became friends again, this is still us. Me laughing and him laughing at me.

We became friends again and I promised I would never think about Richard as a boyfriend or lover. He would just be my best friend. But I failed because he is just too damn cute! Of course I never said a word and just let things be.
In the beginning of 2010 we went to San Francisco together. Our first trip together as friends. It was such a friendly trip that we even slept on separate beds. Okay okay, one night we slept on the same bed because I was "cold". Smooth move Jess. But I promise you, nothing happened. One of the nights in San Francisco we went to visit my friend who was going to school at Berkeley. We went to hang out at one of her friend's apartment. Well, the guys there asked if Richard was my boyfriend. I told them, oh no, were just friends! I am not sure if this upset Richard or not but he got up and said he had to make a phone call. He never came back.
I finally realized that he was taking a while and called him. where did you go? I said. I am ready to back to the hotel, are you? he said. I wasn't ready to go back. I was having fun! But I told him to go ahead and pick me up. I got in the car and drove off. It was completely silent and I felt awkward. Finally after a while I spoke, Why did you leave? He pulled the car over and his eyes got watery as he said,  I told your mom I would take good care of you on this trip! and maybe I was a little jealous watching you talk to those guys. It made me mad so I left. Holy sweet macaroni!!!! I couldn't say anything. I was completely quiet. I was so shocked at the words "jealous" I couldn't even move. After about a million minutes in silence we drove back to the hotel.

San Francisco, walking the Golden Gate Bridge.

It was late and we went straight to bed. We were laying in our separate beds in the dark when I said, it's so cold in here.....can you sleep over here? and I will never forget what Richard said, can I bring my own blanket? (Till this day Richard likes his space on the bed. He appreciates his own blanket & pillow. He also can't stand that I am a crazy sleeper and that is why he chooses to have his own bed essentials). I said, umm...yeah, sure.. He came over to my bed and adjusted his pillow and blanket on the empty side of the bed. He laid down and faced me. We were facing each other in the dark when I felt his hand touch the top of my head. He began to gently massage my hair. Then....
We fell asleep.
I knew Richard had some feelings for me but I was not sure if he would ever tell me. When we got back from San Francisco things remained the same. The only difference was that he began holding my hand when we would go out. He would put his arm around me when we would walk. The hugs were a lot tighter. Then one day, we kissed.

May 2010, still friends.

Our first kiss was on April 20, 2009. But it was so fast and I was under the influence. After that night we did not kiss again until the night of  June 23, 2010.  We were sitting in his car eating Yogurtland. He told me he owed me for falling asleep during a conversation we were having through text the night before. I of course said yes you do owe me! big time! so he grabbed my face and kissed me. He remained close to my face and our eyes met......and I said Are you scared of me? and he replied, I'm terrified. We both knew what these statements meant. Richard was afraid of committing to this relationship because the friendship meant so much to both of us. But even then, Richard did not confess.

As impatient as I am by the following week ( July 2, 2010 ) I began to feel crazy about what was going on. After consulting with a few people they told me various things but the one that stuck out the most was He is using you. You guys are just friends with benefits. This made me unbelievably angry. I did not want to be friends with benefits and I definitely did not want to be used! So on the night of July 2nd I confronted Richard.

We went to the beach for a walk. We held hands and sat down at a bench facing the ocean. I was quiet and he kept saying funny statements desperately trying to make me laugh. I was not having it. I couldn't help but think he is using me, we will always just be friends with benefits. I was angry. We drove back home and I finally started talking. " Richard, are you using me? " I could tell he was mad at my question because he began to drive faster. He looked over at me and said WHAT? AM I USING YOU???? ARE YOU CRAZY?. I got nervous thinking of ways to defend my question. But the words weren't coming out. I just sat there in silence. I kept thinking.....this is probably the end of our friendship, for sure. We arrived at my house and I refused to get out. I had to get the truth out of him, I just had to! If our friendship was going to end I HAD to know how he felt about me. Since I wasn't getting out of the car, he told me he was going to drive to his house and I could decide what I wanted to do once we got there.

(Richard told me later he was furious that I would even think about him using me or taking advantage of our friendship. He was really hurt that I would have thoughts as such.When Richard is hurt...he gets mad)

We arrived outside of his house and both sat there each other? probably not. At the situation? yes.

Finally I said, What do you even think of me Richard?

He was quiet for a long time and then looked at me with tears coming down his face...

You want to know what I think of you? Whenever I look at you I say to myself, "I'm going to...."

Stay tuned for part 4 and final chapter of the series "a love story".



*I will post part 4 tomorrow.