Wednesday, October 30, 2013

sticks and stones may break my bones...

Self
 
but words will never hurt me.
 
Growing up I thought I was pretty. Why? My mom and dad would tell me all the time. I was loved
and I felt it. It was not until around age 12 that I started to notice that I wasn't as slim as my friends. I remember that it didn't bother me but I did take notice. Who cares? I played a ton of sports and didn't watch much TV. I can say I was pretty active but also loved junk food. Hot Cheetos with lime and a pinch of salt? YES PLEASE. I didn't want to be skinny, I was happy the way I was. High school was a little different. Along with peer pressure, boys, and wanting to fit in so bad, I decided to go on a diet. I was 15 years old. I stopped eating anything that had carbs. I don't remember how much weight I lost that summer but it was enough that people noticed and asked what I was doing. I didn't see a difference, the person I saw in the mirror was still the same person I saw at 12. From that age on I would go on a diet, stop the diet, eat junk for a few months (gain it all back), and then go on a diet again. It was a cycle.
 
Despite my irregular eating cycles, I was still active. I played volleyball, soccer (on two teams) and softball. I loved it. Before I knew it I was in college. The summer before I began my freshman year at Cal State Long Beach, I went on another diet. Again, I lost about 30lbs that summer and got really sick. Why did I get sick? Its shame to even admit but I went on a diet that required shots, pills, and I broke out in sweaty fevers throughout the day. I remember being at freshman orientation sweating, with a fever, and wanting to throw up. It was horrible. Since then I have gone on a few more diets and quit each one. I loved the compliments I got from people. They were encouraging and motivated me to keep going. But was I happy? no. Was I being healthy? hell no. I was taking tips from people that I shouldn't have taken tips from. I was doing it for all the wrong reasons, and harming myself while doing it too.
 
 At 18 someone told me, "I never wanted to tell you this, but you would be so pretty if you lost weight". People are careless. The person I saw in the mirror was no longer the person I saw at 12. I was so unhappy. After this comment I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. You know the huge mirrors in department stores? well, I always look away when I see one. Why? because of what this person said. For the first time in my entire life I felt ugly. Why did I care so much? I cared because I wanted acceptance. No one ever wants to hear that they would be pretty if they lost weight. I honestly thought I was pretty already. I let this comment haunt me. I cried for nights wishing God had made me thin & beautiful. I tried so hard to diet & exercise. But each time I did, I was....miserable. We have to be so careful what we say to people. Because unlike the saying, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" words do hurt, they hurt really bad. I forget a lot of things but I never forget a rude comment, ever. I let myself get buried in the myst of negativity and it prevented me from doing so much. I hid myself, my face, my body, the real me. I didn't want anyone to see me because I was afraid of what they would say.
 
 Not until a few weeks ago, I had a change of heart. I was sitting at the dinner table at home and Richard was sitting across from me. We were having dinner. I was talking (I forgot about what) when I finished he looked at me and said, "why you so pretty mama?". I blushed, smiled and continued to talk. His words made me feel SO beautiful. If he thinks I am pretty who cares what everyone else thinks? *I am not saying that a man/boyfriend/husband should have to tell you you are pretty in order for you to think you are. But this is what made me realize it.  Reality of all of this is that we are all different; short, tall, thin, brown, white, orange, purple. We come in different shapes and sizes. Naturally we have different characteristics & personalities. That is what makes you, you. Why do we struggle each day just to be unhappy? I say, SCREW THE DIET, SCREW THE ROUTINE EXERCISING AND SCREW ALL THE BAD PEOPLE! You see, I have done so many diets that I can write a book on each one. They have all left me empty and unhappy. I do not condone eating bad per say, but if you want a doughnut why can't you have it? I believe it becomes a problem you eat a doughnut everyday.
 
 Since moving in Richard and I started eating better. During the week I eat salads, chicken, fish, toast, eggs, rice, veggies, fruits even ICE CREAM! I've even had In & Out. Have I lost weight? you bet. My exercising no longer includes a gym. I hate the gym! Everyone is smelly, everyone stares and it is deadly boring. Did I mention they have HUGE mirrors everywhere? I hate that too. Now, I go on walks at the park, I play soccer, and I hike. To me, this is fun and I get to spend quality time with Richard. I am not attempting to change because I want to be skinny. I don't want to be skinny. I want to be healthy. What does that even mean? I want to be able to see 80 years old. I don't want diabetes or high cholesterol. I want to have a healthy pregnancy (hopefully at the end of next year). I want to be able to run after my future kids. I did not change my habits because I want to be pretty. I already am. People hurt you so deeply sometimes and others will tell you so many good things that they heal the hurt too. I want to tell you, you are beautiful, knowledgeable, funny, outgoing, creative and do not let ANYONE tell you different. Today I walk proudly knowing I am loved and blessed. I let the mean comments slide right off of me. I do not dwell on the stupidity that comes out of people's mouths.
 
"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"
 
xoxo Yessenia

Self
Self
Self
*photos 1,2, 4 taken by Richard.

2 comments:

  1. ugh, I wrote a huge comment about this and then my computer decided it didn't feel like working, and I lost it. grrr! haha.

    Basically what I was trying to say was that people relentlessly made fun of me in school for being 'too thin'. People will be assholes no matter what size you are, and as long as you are healthy, who cares what anybody thinks! The amount of times people called me anorexic or told me to eat a hamburger makes me so angry, and people think that because I'm thin and "everyone wants to be thin" they can say hateful things. Not cool, I have feelings too! Being told "I hate you, you're so thin" is really hurtful, just as I know being called big is hurtful. So screw everyone else! Lol.

    You are definitely gorgeous!

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