Friday, November 8, 2013

a love story : part 3 - confessions

"sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck."
Dalai Lama
sometime before my brace face time
I've been meaning to tell you this. Believe me it's hard to even type this out and I have a huge knot in my stomach because I am scared of what will happen between us but I want you to know something. I like you.

I like you too!
No, I mean I like you more than just a friend.

....................................I waited for his response.
I waited for what felt like a century. I had the biggest knot in my stomach. I began to doubt myself, damn it Jess, here you go effin things up then I began to speak to myself goodness, next time just keep your mouth shut! I was getting a crazy. He finally replied:
Those feelings are mutual but it would just ruin our friendship if we took it further. I like how we are right now.
To say I was sad is an understatement. I was devastated. I felt rejected. why didn't he want to try it out? why? why didn't he just say he liked me back and we could live happily ever after? crap. I had to defend myself so I wouldn't look so desperate. So I replied with:
Yeah, you're right. I guess I just wanted you to know.
We didn't speak about the subject again. I thought it would be weird to see him but it wasn't. We just carried on from where we left off. Throughout 2009 Richard and I were always together. I want to say that I was okay with the thought of us "just" being friends, but I wasn't.
I talked to other guys but nothing ever felt the way I felt with Richard. Actually, sometimes I would meet guys and tell Richard about them. Richard would listen and then give me his opinion. He always picked something negative to say. well he's not in school so I don't know how that work out, he looks like a creep!, I don't know Jess you should probably stay away from that guy. I wondered if I was the problem and not all these guys I was meeting. I wasn't, Richard was just selfish and wanted me for himself.
At times it hurt me deeply to know that someday Richard might find a girlfriend and I would stay in the position I was in. I was in the friend zone and I wanted out! I knew I couldn't confront him again so I just went on with the friendship title. Sometime that summer I went back to church. I was heavily involved and took it extremely seriously. I read my Bible, I prayed and I met new people. One day, after a lot of thinking I wrote to God: (I still have this note in my diary!)
Dear God,
I know that you love everyone equally. I know that you've been watching me and following me wherever I go. You know my heart and know how much I love Richard. I want to ask a favor. If you don't want Richard for me God, would you please take him away? Could you please do everything in your power to remove him from my life? Please. I trust you and know that you will make the right decision for me. Until then, I am going to cut ties with him.
I cried and cried. I didn't want to lose my best friend but I also did not want to dig the hole deeper. I never told Richard about my letter. I just simply stopped talking to him. He would text me asking me if I was okay but I wouldn't reply. I ignored him day after day until finally he stopped texting me.
I saw him at school a few weeks after we stopped talking. He was walking out of the student store with a few classmates. I was walking in alone with my headphones on. As soon as I saw him and we met eyes my heart sunk. He smiled at me but I did not smile back. I looked away and kept walking into the store. I came to terms with the idea that he was just not for me anymore. I had to move on, but it was so incredibly hard.
I missed him every day. I missed him even more when something interesting was going on in my life and I couldn't share it with him. I missed his laugh, his calmness, the way he pokes his glasses up when they begin to fall, and I missed his hugs.
We did not talk for about two months. One night while at church on a Thursday evening, the pastor spoke about God's will. The message really spoke to me because he said, "when you stop trying to make God's will NOT happen, you will go through some very hard times, but when you let His will happen, things will just flow". It spoke to me and I thought to myself : Is God trying to tell me that I feel so sad and miserable because Richard is supposed to be in my life? I did not know. What I did know was that I had a very heavy feeling in my heart. After church I got in my car and cried the whole way home.
I began to pray and ask God why. I asked him a million times. Without even thinking I dialed Richard's number.
Hey...I know it's been a while but can we meet up?
yes of course!
We met at Starbucks. He arrived before me and was standing outside of his car. Without saying a word to each other, we walked towards each other and hugged. I cried and then said:
I've missed you so much. The past two months have been so boring without you.
I wasn't even sure if those were the right words to say but it was came out without me having to think. He asked:
Did you call me because I left a Kit Kat on your car this morning?
I had no idea what he was talking about. He explained to me that he left a Kit Kat on top my car that morning with a note that said "Have a good day". Someone must have taken it from my car because I never got the note nor the Kit Kat. ( I am telling you, he knows the way to my & chocolate = love). Was this a coincidence? maybe. But I would rather think that this was all God's plan. I guess it wasn't God's plan for someone to steal my Kit Kat (damn you thieves!) but I feel that God knew that night was the night I was supposed to reconnect with Richard again. After the missed opportunity with the Kit Kat he placed a heavy feeling in my heart to call Richard.
So we became friends again and lived happily ever after.
in 2009 when we became friends again, this is still us. Me laughing and him laughing at me.

We became friends again and I promised I would never think about Richard as a boyfriend or lover. He would just be my best friend. But I failed because he is just too damn cute! Of course I never said a word and just let things be.
In the beginning of 2010 we went to San Francisco together. Our first trip together as friends. It was such a friendly trip that we even slept on separate beds. Okay okay, one night we slept on the same bed because I was "cold". Smooth move Jess. But I promise you, nothing happened. One of the nights in San Francisco we went to visit my friend who was going to school at Berkeley. We went to hang out at one of her friend's apartment. Well, the guys there asked if Richard was my boyfriend. I told them, oh no, were just friends! I am not sure if this upset Richard or not but he got up and said he had to make a phone call. He never came back.
I finally realized that he was taking a while and called him. where did you go? I said. I am ready to back to the hotel, are you? he said. I wasn't ready to go back. I was having fun! But I told him to go ahead and pick me up. I got in the car and drove off. It was completely silent and I felt awkward. Finally after a while I spoke, Why did you leave? He pulled the car over and his eyes got watery as he said,  I told your mom I would take good care of you on this trip! and maybe I was a little jealous watching you talk to those guys. It made me mad so I left. Holy sweet macaroni!!!! I couldn't say anything. I was completely quiet. I was so shocked at the words "jealous" I couldn't even move. After about a million minutes in silence we drove back to the hotel.

San Francisco, walking the Golden Gate Bridge.

It was late and we went straight to bed. We were laying in our separate beds in the dark when I said, it's so cold in here.....can you sleep over here? and I will never forget what Richard said, can I bring my own blanket? (Till this day Richard likes his space on the bed. He appreciates his own blanket & pillow. He also can't stand that I am a crazy sleeper and that is why he chooses to have his own bed essentials). I said, umm...yeah, sure.. He came over to my bed and adjusted his pillow and blanket on the empty side of the bed. He laid down and faced me. We were facing each other in the dark when I felt his hand touch the top of my head. He began to gently massage my hair. Then....
We fell asleep.
I knew Richard had some feelings for me but I was not sure if he would ever tell me. When we got back from San Francisco things remained the same. The only difference was that he began holding my hand when we would go out. He would put his arm around me when we would walk. The hugs were a lot tighter. Then one day, we kissed.

May 2010, still friends.

Our first kiss was on April 20, 2009. But it was so fast and I was under the influence. After that night we did not kiss again until the night of  June 23, 2010.  We were sitting in his car eating Yogurtland. He told me he owed me for falling asleep during a conversation we were having through text the night before. I of course said yes you do owe me! big time! so he grabbed my face and kissed me. He remained close to my face and our eyes met......and I said Are you scared of me? and he replied, I'm terrified. We both knew what these statements meant. Richard was afraid of committing to this relationship because the friendship meant so much to both of us. But even then, Richard did not confess.

As impatient as I am by the following week ( July 2, 2010 ) I began to feel crazy about what was going on. After consulting with a few people they told me various things but the one that stuck out the most was He is using you. You guys are just friends with benefits. This made me unbelievably angry. I did not want to be friends with benefits and I definitely did not want to be used! So on the night of July 2nd I confronted Richard.

We went to the beach for a walk. We held hands and sat down at a bench facing the ocean. I was quiet and he kept saying funny statements desperately trying to make me laugh. I was not having it. I couldn't help but think he is using me, we will always just be friends with benefits. I was angry. We drove back home and I finally started talking. " Richard, are you using me? " I could tell he was mad at my question because he began to drive faster. He looked over at me and said WHAT? AM I USING YOU???? ARE YOU CRAZY?. I got nervous thinking of ways to defend my question. But the words weren't coming out. I just sat there in silence. I kept thinking.....this is probably the end of our friendship, for sure. We arrived at my house and I refused to get out. I had to get the truth out of him, I just had to! If our friendship was going to end I HAD to know how he felt about me. Since I wasn't getting out of the car, he told me he was going to drive to his house and I could decide what I wanted to do once we got there.

(Richard told me later he was furious that I would even think about him using me or taking advantage of our friendship. He was really hurt that I would have thoughts as such.When Richard is hurt...he gets mad)

We arrived outside of his house and both sat there each other? probably not. At the situation? yes.

Finally I said, What do you even think of me Richard?

He was quiet for a long time and then looked at me with tears coming down his face...

You want to know what I think of you? Whenever I look at you I say to myself, "I'm going to...."

Stay tuned for part 4 and final chapter of the series "a love story".



*I will post part 4 tomorrow.

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