Wednesday, October 12, 2016

a silent loss.




"Babies lost in the womb were never touched by fear, they were never cold, never hungry, never alone and importantly always knew love" 

- Z Clark-Coates (sayinggoodbye.org)


Just before my 28th birthday we got the surprising, but exciting news that we were expecting! Ella had just turned one a few weeks before. We waited for Richard to get home and then told him the news. I immediately decided that it was definitely time to wean Ella. I needed a break from nursing since this baby was expected to arrive mid April! It was so hard rocking Ella to sleep instead of nursing her. She cried so much that on the 4th day of this change, I gave in and nursed my baby. I made my own conclusion that I could nurse her until she was a bit older and also nourish this baby inside of me. For a while, my body did just that....It comforted my daughter and it developed a baby inside my womb. 

We were scheduled for a trip to Mexico when I was 7 weeks. I was desperate to get an ultrasound done before I left because I wanted to know everything was okay before leaving out of the country. My OB refused and said it was just too early. I wanted blood work done too, but I was turned down too. While in Mexico, I went to a small OB doctor. Her ultrasound machine was very old but she was able to see the tiny embryo inside my uterus. I left with my very cute photo and showed my family the new member of the family. The doctor could not get a heartbeat since her machine did not have trans vaginal capabilities. She recommended I get a trans vaginal ultrasound done just to be sure, but that the baby was measuring right on target. I was supposed to be 8 weeks the following day. 

Since the beginning of the pregnancy something felt off. I had zero symptoms, besides being extra tired throughout the day. With Ella, I had a ton of morning sickness until about 5 months. I figured I was one of the lucky ones who would breeze through pregnancy. One night, I told Richard something felt wrong, and that I really wanted to get another ultrasound done. I had zero symptoms of miscarriage, no cramping, no bleeding....nothing, but felt in my heart something (unsure of what) was wrong. 

I had an OB appointment scheduled at the 10 week mark so I decided to wait. The nights leading up to the appointment, I had horrible nightmares. I dreamed over and over that they could not find my baby in my womb. I woke up in tears! 

The day of my appointment, I got up early and left Ella with my sister. After waiting for what felt hours I was called in. I asked the Ob if I could send my husband a video when she found the heartbeat and she said yes. After 20 seconds of trying to find my baby the OB said, "Well, there's no heartbeat.". My legs got goosebumps and my heart sunk. I looked at the screen and begged her to try again. She said, "I don't know why you want me to look again, there's nothing there, no heartbeat". I couldn't cry although I really wanted to. In seconds she was ready to walk out of the room and I sat there confused. I didn't say a word for a while, then collected my thoughts. It was a very dark day in my life. I wanted this baby to show up, to surprise her. I expected to see my 10 week old baby moving around in my womb. I didn't, though, and that pain still burns. 

I texted Richard as I waited to get my blood drawn. He rushed home from work. When I got home I cried in his arms. He cried too.

I knew miscarriages were common. I know a ton of people who have had them. I just never thought it would happen to me. I was told I could miscarry naturally at home or I could have a d&c. It was a hard decision to make. I was so upset at my body! My birth with Ella was so tragic that I kept thinking about it and how much my body continued to fail me. It had been 5 weeks since my baby passed away, yet my body was holding on as if nothing was wrong. It was extremely frustrating. In the end I decided to give my body 2 weeks before I would schedule a d&c. I did everything in my power to get my body to let go. A friend recommended a lovely acupuncturist and I went to see her. I did a ton of herbal remedies to induce the miscarriage too. I was afraid to leave the house in fear that I would miscarry at any moment.

I searched online and could not find a single story that was similar to mine. The few I found they bled right away. I'm not sure what's worse, the miscarriage happening without you knowing or knowing your baby has passed and you have to wait for your body to miscarry. The wait felt like years.
I was not sure what to expect, some women said it would feel like an intense period and others said it was worse than natural childbirth.. Since luck usually isn't on my side I figured I should prepare for the absolute worst.

On October 10th at 5am, the cramping began. I couldn't sleep, they were so intense. I immediately got in the shower and let the hot water hit me. At around 6:30am Richard woke up and saw that I was in the shower. He opened the curtain and saw me in a downward dog position with blood all around me. I looked up at him and said, "It's happening".

I spent nearly 4 hours in the tub working through intense contractions. My body would push on it's own. I have never seen so many clots, blood and tissue in my life. I was soaking through everything.  I tried to nurse Ella to stop the bleeding but nursing her made everything so much more intense. I was mostly calm, but oh was I in pain. What I really wanted to do was cry and perhaps scream a little too. I worried about Ella though. She was in the living room with my mom and I needed her to know I was okay. I quickly gathered my things and we headed off to the hospital.

I was told that after a miscarriage you need to have an ultrasound done to prevent infection. I was also afraid of hemorrhaging so we played it safe.

On the way to the hospital I was in tears in the van. I was wearing Ella's prefolds (3 /stacked) plus a super plus pad. When I got to the hospital I had filled everything I was wearing with blood.

The contractions picked up even more.

I prayed. I asked God to help me, that I couldn't do this without Him. I needed him to give me the strength to pull through. I was in a downward dog position on top of a hospital bed when I said, "I have to push!" I ran to the bathroom and pushed. I let out something the size of a bagel. I immediately started to feel better. The miscarriage from start to finish was 6 hours.

Although it will never be confirmed, I believe my baby was a boy. I told him I loved him and that one day I would be able to hold him in my arms and we will never be separated. It's hard...this whole miscarriage will always have a place in my heart. Many women hide them so I wanted to very open with mine.

I will never understand why these things happen to us. I'll always have questions and ask why me? I truly believe the reason God puts us through hard times is to show us how strong we really are. In all of this fog of confusion, I learned that I am incredibly strong. This experience taught me that my body is amazing and it can do things naturally. It has also made me look at Ella in a new way, she truly is a miracle.

My name is Yessenia and when I was 28 years old I experienced my first miscarriage.

I am one in four.

Ezekiel Montes
7/31/16-10/10/16