Wednesday, October 12, 2016

a silent loss.




"Babies lost in the womb were never touched by fear, they were never cold, never hungry, never alone and importantly always knew love" 

- Z Clark-Coates (sayinggoodbye.org)


Just before my 28th birthday we got the surprising, but exciting news that we were expecting! Ella had just turned one a few weeks before. We waited for Richard to get home and then told him the news. I immediately decided that it was definitely time to wean Ella. I needed a break from nursing since this baby was expected to arrive mid April! It was so hard rocking Ella to sleep instead of nursing her. She cried so much that on the 4th day of this change, I gave in and nursed my baby. I made my own conclusion that I could nurse her until she was a bit older and also nourish this baby inside of me. For a while, my body did just that....It comforted my daughter and it developed a baby inside my womb. 

We were scheduled for a trip to Mexico when I was 7 weeks. I was desperate to get an ultrasound done before I left because I wanted to know everything was okay before leaving out of the country. My OB refused and said it was just too early. I wanted blood work done too, but I was turned down too. While in Mexico, I went to a small OB doctor. Her ultrasound machine was very old but she was able to see the tiny embryo inside my uterus. I left with my very cute photo and showed my family the new member of the family. The doctor could not get a heartbeat since her machine did not have trans vaginal capabilities. She recommended I get a trans vaginal ultrasound done just to be sure, but that the baby was measuring right on target. I was supposed to be 8 weeks the following day. 

Since the beginning of the pregnancy something felt off. I had zero symptoms, besides being extra tired throughout the day. With Ella, I had a ton of morning sickness until about 5 months. I figured I was one of the lucky ones who would breeze through pregnancy. One night, I told Richard something felt wrong, and that I really wanted to get another ultrasound done. I had zero symptoms of miscarriage, no cramping, no bleeding....nothing, but felt in my heart something (unsure of what) was wrong. 

I had an OB appointment scheduled at the 10 week mark so I decided to wait. The nights leading up to the appointment, I had horrible nightmares. I dreamed over and over that they could not find my baby in my womb. I woke up in tears! 

The day of my appointment, I got up early and left Ella with my sister. After waiting for what felt hours I was called in. I asked the Ob if I could send my husband a video when she found the heartbeat and she said yes. After 20 seconds of trying to find my baby the OB said, "Well, there's no heartbeat.". My legs got goosebumps and my heart sunk. I looked at the screen and begged her to try again. She said, "I don't know why you want me to look again, there's nothing there, no heartbeat". I couldn't cry although I really wanted to. In seconds she was ready to walk out of the room and I sat there confused. I didn't say a word for a while, then collected my thoughts. It was a very dark day in my life. I wanted this baby to show up, to surprise her. I expected to see my 10 week old baby moving around in my womb. I didn't, though, and that pain still burns. 

I texted Richard as I waited to get my blood drawn. He rushed home from work. When I got home I cried in his arms. He cried too.

I knew miscarriages were common. I know a ton of people who have had them. I just never thought it would happen to me. I was told I could miscarry naturally at home or I could have a d&c. It was a hard decision to make. I was so upset at my body! My birth with Ella was so tragic that I kept thinking about it and how much my body continued to fail me. It had been 5 weeks since my baby passed away, yet my body was holding on as if nothing was wrong. It was extremely frustrating. In the end I decided to give my body 2 weeks before I would schedule a d&c. I did everything in my power to get my body to let go. A friend recommended a lovely acupuncturist and I went to see her. I did a ton of herbal remedies to induce the miscarriage too. I was afraid to leave the house in fear that I would miscarry at any moment.

I searched online and could not find a single story that was similar to mine. The few I found they bled right away. I'm not sure what's worse, the miscarriage happening without you knowing or knowing your baby has passed and you have to wait for your body to miscarry. The wait felt like years.
I was not sure what to expect, some women said it would feel like an intense period and others said it was worse than natural childbirth.. Since luck usually isn't on my side I figured I should prepare for the absolute worst.

On October 10th at 5am, the cramping began. I couldn't sleep, they were so intense. I immediately got in the shower and let the hot water hit me. At around 6:30am Richard woke up and saw that I was in the shower. He opened the curtain and saw me in a downward dog position with blood all around me. I looked up at him and said, "It's happening".

I spent nearly 4 hours in the tub working through intense contractions. My body would push on it's own. I have never seen so many clots, blood and tissue in my life. I was soaking through everything.  I tried to nurse Ella to stop the bleeding but nursing her made everything so much more intense. I was mostly calm, but oh was I in pain. What I really wanted to do was cry and perhaps scream a little too. I worried about Ella though. She was in the living room with my mom and I needed her to know I was okay. I quickly gathered my things and we headed off to the hospital.

I was told that after a miscarriage you need to have an ultrasound done to prevent infection. I was also afraid of hemorrhaging so we played it safe.

On the way to the hospital I was in tears in the van. I was wearing Ella's prefolds (3 /stacked) plus a super plus pad. When I got to the hospital I had filled everything I was wearing with blood.

The contractions picked up even more.

I prayed. I asked God to help me, that I couldn't do this without Him. I needed him to give me the strength to pull through. I was in a downward dog position on top of a hospital bed when I said, "I have to push!" I ran to the bathroom and pushed. I let out something the size of a bagel. I immediately started to feel better. The miscarriage from start to finish was 6 hours.

Although it will never be confirmed, I believe my baby was a boy. I told him I loved him and that one day I would be able to hold him in my arms and we will never be separated. It's hard...this whole miscarriage will always have a place in my heart. Many women hide them so I wanted to very open with mine.

I will never understand why these things happen to us. I'll always have questions and ask why me? I truly believe the reason God puts us through hard times is to show us how strong we really are. In all of this fog of confusion, I learned that I am incredibly strong. This experience taught me that my body is amazing and it can do things naturally. It has also made me look at Ella in a new way, she truly is a miracle.

My name is Yessenia and when I was 28 years old I experienced my first miscarriage.

I am one in four.

Ezekiel Montes
7/31/16-10/10/16


Thursday, July 28, 2016

Cloth Diapering:

The first thing people think when the words "cloth diapering" come out of a mama's mouth is: POOP. "oh my gosh you have to touch poop?" 

nope. I do not touch poop. Well, I have but....who hasn't? Have you ever checked your kids diaper after getting a strong poop smell and you find that your finger slid right into that gooey mess? yup, you've touched poop because you know what I am talking about! 

I am going off topic here. 

In relation to cloth diapering, there is no poop touching at all. 

yay!

I have been cloth diapering for a year now and the system I am using has been working like a charm! Cloth diapering to me is easy. It is simply just an extra load of laundry. I do my diapers on Wednesday and on Sunday. Richard and I alternate but to be honest he does them more than I do. There's something about watching a man doing diaper laundry that really gets me...but that's a whole other blog post ;)

Currently we use Grovia, BumGenius, and Smart Bottoms. My favorite are Grovia since they are so trim and modern. With BumGenius Ella looks like an airbag at times! 

Anyway, here is our wash routine below and a little explanation of what we use. 

Diapers ready for washing!

I dump the entire wet bag in the wash and do a rinse cycle on HOT. I add a little detergent!

I use plain old Tide. It has been working for us for an entire year and our diapers smell fresh.

Once the diapers are done with the rinse cycle, I run another wash on normal. I use HOT and add detergent up to the 4th line.

I hang dry my covers because I hear this makes the elastics last longer. Plus, I live in California where we have sunny weather 99% of the year. :) I also airdrop my wet bags (Wet bags are bags that are somewhat water proof, I carry them in my diaper bag to store dirty diapers). Wet bag is also what I put all the dirty diapers in at home. 

ahhh, fresh diapers :)

This is a pocket diaper. The pad goes stuffed inside. 

You remove the insert before throwing it in your diaper pail, that is the downside of this diaper, its a little more work.


This is a Smart Bottom, all in one. You take it off the baby and throw it in the diaper pail. SO EASY! one of my favorites since you don't have to stuff anything and you don't have to clip anything off. 

This is my favorite, Grovia All In One. You clip the extra pad on the insert. When the baby soils the diaper I remove the clip on pad too. They are really easy to clip on after you wash them.

and they are so TRIM! 

This is a Grovia Hybrid. I like these because you just have to carry extra soaker pads. You don't have to carry full size diapers which is nice for on the go. You simply remove the pad and use another. You can keep using the cover. 


This is how diaper laundry looks like. I sit and stuff all of these and to be quite honest it's fun to me. :)

We use Cloth Wipe Bits from Urban Oreganics and reusable cloth wipes from Marley's Monsters. WHAAAAT? You cloth wipe too? We sure do! I am not a 100% cloth wiper but I am getting there. It's the squishy poop that gets me. 


So what about poop? well, if you want an easy and convenient way out of the poop mess you can get disposable liners. They look like dryer sheets. The poop gets stuck on there and you simply dump that in the toilet. Right now Ella JUST started pooping mushy (TMI but constipation sucks! and probiotics will make your kiddo poop like lava) so we are using diaper liners again.

I love cloth diapering!

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Camp Luciella

Luciella's first birthday was everything I pictured in my head or whatever I pinned on pinterest. What did we do without pinterest back in the day? hm, I have no clue. It was probably the hottest day this summer but luckily the party location had plenty of shade! We rented out a day camp at Wilderness Park in Redondo Beach. The location was perfect! Near by is a pond with fish and turtles. The kids had a blast there. We also hired an awesome musician to sing to the kiddos. They loved that too! We served croissant sandwiches, pasta salad, potato salad, garden salad, broccoli salad, pirate booty, apple sauce....I can keep going! Us Mexican's really provide TOO much food for any occasion. The cake was fantastic. It was an overall awesome day filled with friends and family. We are so glad so many people came out to celebrate our girl. We also used communigift. Instead of guests bringing a gift for Luciella, they brought gifts for a child in need instead! It was an awesome turnout and our guests provided gifts for SIX kids! So amazing. We hope to do that for every birthday. Happy 1st Birthday to our sweet and sassy girl, we love you OH SO MUCH!

***My very good friend Anneabel hand drew the camp ella bear. I turned it into stickers, stamps and even a coloring page! Thank you so much Anneabel! You can check out her work on IG. @ag_illustrations




There was a pond so I packed up fish food for the kids to feed the fish!

Teddy Grahams :)
These cookies were SO good!





Bubbles!
Ella face straws!

Baby maracas!

















I wonder which kid is mine...haha!!